| United
States Sinks “Zombie Barges.” Bush Attacks Critics
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In his weekly radio address, President Bush announced this morning that the United States has attacked and destroyed six barges anchored off Cuba. The barges were allegedly being filled with “hundreds” of Undead. Bush also offered his harshest words to date toward the international criticism of the American blockage of “Necro-Mortosis” infested Cuba. Earlier in the day, unconfirmed sources within the Pentagon leaked that F-22 fighters from Pensacola Air Base, in Florida, and F-18 strike jets from the USS “Truman,” conducted a joint operation, code named “Operation Dead Stop,” against multiple targets anchored off Mariel, Cuba, a port city 40 miles outside Havana, and the closest Cuban port to the United States mainland. Intelligence
sources indicated that Cuban army and police units were herding “hundreds
of Necros” onto unused coal barges and the undead laden barges
were being sent out to sea from the island. “I determined that this irresponsible action by the Cuban government, of attempting to spread the Mortosis infection across the Caribbean and possibly to the United States, posed a clear and present danger to the American people before I ordered the attack. While the prayers of myself and all the American people go out to the people of Cuba in their fight against this modern day epidemic, my first duty as President is to protect the United States from harm, whether it be from terrorists, foreign military powers, or in this case, an infectious disease.” Later
in the speech, Bush criticized the international condemnation of the
American blockade of Cuba, “Cuban leaders have said our quarantine
of the island is hampering their fight against the Undead. This is
not true. No humanitarian relief resources, either by land or sea,
have been hampered in any way from reaching the island by the United
States, and our repeated offers of humanitarian assistance and technical
expertise have been rejected. Cuba’s inability to contain this
outbreak, and unwillingness to prevent thousands of refugees from
taking to the sea to flee their homes, has left us with no other recourse
other than defending ourselves.
You put a hundred undead into a boat, set that boat off to sea and
that boat becomes a biological weapon of mass destruction." “First,
the Cuban quarantine is already an international effort. Naval forces
from Mexico, Great Britain, Costa Rica, and Jamaica already
play a significant role in the operation. “The Mortosis epidemic has forced many nations across the world to take drastic action, including President Putin in Russia. This year alone, the Russian army and air force have killed an estimated 8,000 refugees trying to cross into Russia from Mortosis infested Afghanistan. Hypocrisy: “The United Nations has proven itself ineffective in preventing the spread of this epidemic from Haiti to the rest of the world, and now to Cuba. If the UN quarantine of Haiti was unable to stop the spread of the disease 60 miles to the west to Cuba, what confidences do we have that it could stop it from spreading a further 90 miles to the north to the United States?” International
condemnation of Bush’s speech and the American attack on Cuba
was immediate. Russian President Putin called Bush’s statement,
“Smoke and mirrors, trying to distract the world from the United
States’ unprovoked attack on its neighbor.” Putin further
promised Russia would submit a formal condemnation of the American
action to the United Nations Security Council. United Nations Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon, took exception to Bush’s reference of the UN as “ineffective,” “If the United States had offered even a third of the resources they have now sent to Cuba, the virus never would have spread, and the Haitian outbreak pacified.” Intelligence experts are at a loss to explain why Cuba would have been loading reanimates onto the barges. Fritz Wheeler, of Oberlin University suggested they might have been using them as “temporary holding pens.” However, the majority of experts polled agree that the Cubans were trying to rid themselves of the Undead by sending them out to sea. Jon Fisher of the Latin American. Studies Institute thinks, “Recent news reports seem to suggest that the Cubans are able to contain the Undead, but are having difficulty rekilling them due to resistance from the families of the deceased. This might have been an attempt at a possible solution around this problem. Kind of a ‘we are not killing them, God is,’ attitude. Others see the “zombie barges” as an increased sign of desperation on the part of the Cuban government. “If the reports are true about Cuban rebels having better success fighting the zombies than the government is. Then the government might be trying to get rid of as many undead as possible, as quietly as possible. There are few better ways of doing that than luring them onto a boat and pushing it into the Gulf Stream,” said one Pentagon staffer who refused to be identified. |
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