Fireworks
erupted today as Arizona Senator
John McCaben accused Department of Homeland Security Undersecretary
Barry Willows of "incompetence."
 The
confrontation came on the first day of hearings on the controversial
accusations leveled against the Department of Homeland Security and
CDC by Florida Congressman Nick Hamel that
the government
is understating the number of Mortosis
outbreaks in the United States.
After brief
opening statements, Senator McCaben demanded an update on
the current Mortosis outbreak in the
Mojave Desert region of California and Arizona from Undersecretary Willows,
who replied, "Right now, we are working on the assumption that
the Reanimates in question originated out of the Zombie
Farm near Albuquerque."
McCaben
bristled at this response, "Albuquerque? With all due
respect, Undersecretary, does the Department [of Homeland Security]
own a map? It's over 300 miles between Albuquerque and Needles. Does
the Department have any evidence to support this assumption?"
"We
are still in the preliminary stages of the investigation,
Senator," replied Willow, "we are investigating all sources
of the
outbreak at this time, and the Administration and this Committee will
be informed as soon as we can make any conclusions."
"So
you are telling me you know nothing about what is going on out
there in the desert."
"Of
course not, sir, we know there is an alleged outbreak of the virus…"
"Alleged,"
interrupted McCaben. "What, the Department doesn't have
maps or newspapers? Look, "Zombie World News" has pictures
of the
damn things on the front page! You need a copy? They're in a pile
right outside my office."
Speaking
over the laughter and uproar in the Committee Room, Willow said,
"Senator, the Department is focusing all of its resources into
this
very serious, but small and containable…"
"Small
and containable," erupted McCaben. "How can you say that when
you don't know where the undead came from, how many there are, or
even where they are? All I know is there are people being eaten alive
in my state and all you can give me in the way of answers is a display
of the Department's abject incompetence."
The White
House quickly condemned Senator McCaben's remarks as
"political grandstanding," an apparent reference to McCaben's
Presidential ambitions, and expressed "full confidence the Department
of Homeland Security will quickly contain this outbreak with no
disruption to the public."
Meanwhile,
panic buying, or "Zombie Fever" as it has been dubbed by
the local media, is sweeping through the American Southwest. Long
lines are forming at home improvement centers throughout the
California, Arizona, and Nevada regions, and many sporting goods
retailers are reporting they are "completely sold out" of
all firearms
and ammunition. "They even bought up all our bow hunting equipment,"
commented one major retailer employee.
San Bernardino
County Sheriff's Deputy Mark Singletary says, "Some of
these small towns along the Mojave rim are starting to look like armed
camps. I drove through one small town where they pushed all the
trailers from a trailer court into a big circle around the town, just
like how the pioneers used to circle their wagons Ridiculous."
Police Departments
are far away as Los Angeles and Las Vegas report
they are increasing patrols in response to a sudden spike in false
undead sightings. Los Angeles Police Department Spokesperson,
Shaniece Vitners, said, "We want the public to feel assured they
are
safe, and that we will fully respond to any reports."
In a strange
twist, the Mortosis outbreak has spawned a tourist
bonanza for some communities. Hundreds of would be "zombie hunters"
and the curious are flooding the area, many trekking into the desert
in search of the elusive menace. According to ZWN zombie expert,
Capt. 'Hawk' Heath,
"that's just plain stupid."
"People die every year walking around out in the desert. It's a
dangerous place even without the Undead running around it. All these
weekend necro hunters are going to do it get in the way of the
professionals, and probably end up getting shot by some other group
of
trigger happy 'undead elimination specialists.'
He added
: "zombie hunting' is a very serious business. Look at last weeks
news, when a professional man like 'Big
Dog' Goodson and his whole team die in operation, it underlines
how dangerous this really is.
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